"This particular approach to modesty is effective because it is rooted in shame, and shame is a powerful motivator. That's the first red flag. Additionally concerning about this approach is that it perpetuates the objectification of women in a pietistic form. It treats women's bodies not as glorious reflections of the image of God, but as sources of temptation that must be hidden. It is the other side of the same objectifying coin: one side exploits the female body, while the other side seems to be ashamed of it. Both sides reduce the female body to a sexual object." [Christianity Today]
It's about the heart folks, and the purity and self-respect that is found in the heart will be reflected in the outward appearance and in how we treat others. Go here with me - yes, if a young women has a faith-filled relationship with the Lord and is dedicated to purity and faithfulness in her life, then how she relates to others, how she treats her family, how she handles her money, and yes, even how she dresses will reflect the condition of her heart. ALL of those areas will reflect her inward condition. Rachel Held Evans points out that "...biblical modestly isn't about managing the sexual impulses about other people; it's about cultivating humility, propriety, and deference within ourselves."
The same applies for young men, only, I have discovered something ironic and a bit disturbing - there is a lot of dead air when it comes to their list of outward ways to reflect their inward hearts. The general men's conference spheel tends to emphasize strategies to avoid the irresistible lure of the female physique. It generally goes something like this, (my paraphrase): "Dudes, we know you really like looking at girls, and that it's natural to want to have sex with them. You can't allow that desire to take control of you, so here are some ideas to avoid temptation..."
Now let me say that I completely believe that things such as men's conferences and encouraging books are vital, and can be a helpful tool to reach the younger generations. What concerns me is the content of those resources, and this concern stems from my own experience reading up on these very pieces of literature and speaking with different men about their perspectives on male development. Shouldn't these sources be encouraging young men to look at themselves and to emphasize how they can allow the Lord to work from the inside-out, rather than playing the "shame and blame" game with their female counterparts?
So what was my next move in figuring this whole thing out? I asked for the opinion of the very best 20-year-old guy that I know - my brother. And boy, did he have some words of wisdom and surprising advice for young Christian men.
"There is this oxymoronic thing where youth leaders and whatever tell girls they have to cover up or they're a slut, but in the long run they are really just damaging the girls' self-esteem and hurting the very thing they are trying to protect. Rather than nicely teaching girls to respect their own bodies and to want to dress more modestly because they love God, they tell them they are sluts.
"As guys we are always going to have this problem [with temptation] because we see women everywhere and it triggers a natural reaction, but it is still our responsibility to control our response. Saying that it is the girl's responsibility isn't right; would you be saying rape is the girl's fault based on how she is dressed? It's not their fault; they may not help, but its not their fault.
"As guys we are supposed to be involved with girls we can encourage and see a future with, and not every guy will look at a girl in a bikini and want to hook up with her, we're not all perverts. Guys are not all the same, we go through different stages developmentally and phases in what we look for in relationships, like right now I am looking for a long-term mature girl who knows what she wants in life. Yeah, if I see a girl on the beach spilling out of a string bikini I might think she is a bit trashy, but if I see a girl on the beach, not "covering up", but dressing maturely, I see her as long-term material.We're designed to find a good woman to live life with, and it's our responsibility to handle lust and how we look at them."
Nate Pyle calls the bluff on the blame-game in a fantastic article called "When We Sacrifice a Girl's Innocence", denying the concept that men are merely "sex-fueled robots".
"How can a girl keep her innocence when we tell her she is dangerous? How can she feel innocent when her sexuality is directly linked to the danger in the world? The message we send to our girls and women is, “The world is not safe for you because of you." Rather than protecting the innocence of both boys and girls, we sacrifice the innocence of a girl by warning her of the impact she unwittingly makes for the sake of the boy’s innocence. By trying to protect the innocence of boys we destroy the innocence of girls."
So really, teaching young men to insist or expect that young women dress in peasant skirts and XL tees (as some define modesty) is a form of impurity, because it takes a flying-leap over introspection and jumps right into "it's not my responsibility." Essentially it picks at splinters rather than addressing the log. Instead of degrading the very human forms that God gave each of us, we should be addressing the content of our hearts, and remain faithful to His leading in our lives.
What I would like to see is a world where young men outwardly reflect the inner condition of a pure heart by respecting and celebrating who their sisters-in-Christ are, young women made whole and wholesome by the Lord. Young women, also, will reflect the purity of their own hearts through the behaviors they adopt and the way they present themselves to the outward world. This is freedom. This is purity. This is love.
{Steph}
